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Why pamper life's complexities when the leather runs smooth on the dugout seats?

Didn’t get either of the things I wanted last Saturday, did I? City won the treble, and Uefa fucked up again. City winning the Champions League was annoying; Uefa continuing to treat football fans like shit at its showpiece money-spinning event is a fucking disgrace.


Anyway, back to matters at Boundary Park, where we have made it quite clear that we’re the biggest club in non-league with some marquee signings and with admin winning social media.


The first new signing of the season was previewed by a brilliant video showing Frank cleaning the new dugout seats, stroking the new pitch, then banging on the media office door demanding to know “when are you gonna announce these new players we’ve got?”. The club absolutely taking the piss out of the fans, but in a good way. What a difference a year makes. “Things get done when Frank’s around….” They certainly do.

Signing Josh Lundstram from Altrincham is a great statement of intent. In previous seasons, when we signed a player, the fans of their previous clubs have said stuff along the lines of “best of luck, hope it works out for him, shame it didn’t work out for him here, this should be a good move for him”, which roughly translates as “he was shit for us but no hard feelings, hope he’s found his level”. Alty fans are really pissed off at Lundstram leaving, which is an excellent sign. Some of them are specifically annoyed that he’s joined us, calling it a ‘sideways move’, thereby clearly forgetting how fucking massive we are.

Admin outdid themselves unveiling the next signing, making a video of a mock-up of the coaching staff WhatsApp. “Pitch is looking boss, we will score some goals on there next season la” “Speaking of goals, I know a striker who scored 20 goals in 44 games last season” Genius. Love it.

Yes, David Unsworth said “no” when someone asked him in Suzanne Geldard’s Twitter Q&A if we were signing Kurt Willoughby, because if you’re after a player and the club don’t want to let him go and you go telling everyone, the club, the player’s agent and possibly the player himself will think you’re a shithouse. I know Boundary Park has been a bit of a graveyard for strikers in the past, but this is a glorious optimistic new era and Willoughby is a superb signing. Looks like he takes a cracking free kick. Let’s just hope Fondop lets him. We’ve now got something of an embarrassment of riches up front, as is befitting of a massive club planning to piss the league.

Devarn Green signing a new contract is another big positive for us. He’s got pace to burn and he’s a better crosser of the ball than a lot of people give him credit for. Unsworth was clearly pleased about it: “I can’t wait to get my hands on him in pre-season”. Good lord.


To round up Any Other Business, Paul Murray is back as academy manager, Mat Hudson (the reserve keeper who gave Fondop the magic boots at Dorking) has signed a new deal and the pitch is looking lusher by the day. Yes, I do go and have a look at it every day on the way to work. Literal and metaphorical green shoots. The club also invited people to sponsor squares of the new pitch, which sold out in a matter of hours. Turns out you can’t put ‘KTMFF’ on the Chaddy End penalty spot, but I appreciate admin’s explanation.


At the end of last season, I thought we should kick on next season, that we should be challenging towards the top of the league, but it won’t be disastrous if we don’t go up. I’m now convinced that we’re going to win the title by Easter. It’s a strange feeling, this unfamiliar sensation of hope and optimism, but I think I like it. Launch HMS Piss The League and set coordinates for the EFL. KTMFF.


Written by Arlene Finnigan

 

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