I saw three goals go sailing in, go sailing in, go sailing in

Happy Christmas, everyone! It certainly has been so far.

Firstly, I’m gonna say it again: people from Tranmere are not scousers. Birkenhead and Liverpool are very different places, and God put the river there for a reason. Secondly, that ‘feed the scousers’ chant is cringe as fuck. Feel free to say “it’s not that deep/it’s just banter, love” or some other convincing well-considered counter argument. Poverty chanting is shite. You can donate to Oldham Foodbank here.

It was a lovely crisp winter’s day, perfect for wearing both Christmas jumpers and Santa hats AND sunglasses to Boundary Park. There are no photos, you’ll just have to take my word for it that I looked cool as fuck.

Tranmere’s away kit was interesting. Bold choice to wear Roma’s colours. They started the game as they meant to go on, by kicking Jack Stevens in the head. Mellon jnr’s free kick was just over the bar.

They had a few chances early on. Does anyone know why their number 5 was topless when he put his header wide? Was there a hen do in? Was he the stripper?

We’re having no luck with injuries, and given how impressive he’s looked after coming back from a long layoff, it was gutting to see Stevens have to go off 29 minutes in. Having been fouled a few minutes earlier (no free kick given), he was visibly struggling with his left shoulder, so their dirty little shit of a number 5 deliberately pulled his arm. Again, no free kick given. Shit refs again, ole ole.

On the plus side, Caprice came on for Stevens and got an assist with what might have been his first touch. Pett intercepted the ball and played it to Garner, he played in Caprice, who made a great run and put a superb cross into the box, which Mellon jnr buried with a bullet header. Fucking have that.

📸 Phill Smith

I love Joe Garner and his dark arts, but there were a few occasions when he tried to win a free kick instead of trying to beat his marker, and his foul outside our box was idiotic and deserved a yellow card. Credit where it’s due, it was a great free kick by Whittaker to equalise less than 5 minutes before half-time. Maybe Hudson’s positioning could have been better, but it was a good goal. Fucking galling and frustrating, though.

Happily, we didn’t have to wait for long to retake the lead in the second half. Ogle made a good run down the left, it was another great cross by Caprice (and some utterly crap Tranmere defending), and, with his back to goal, Mellon jnr turned and put it away with his right foot. Fabulous.

📸 Phill Smith

There was a serious danger of Garner getting a second yellow card and bringing him off for Fondop was the obvious decision, even if it did prove to be a little ironic. It paid off immediately, with Mikey hitting the post, and young Michael putting the rebound away with his left foot. A perfect hat-trick. Put another bag of chocolate coins in his stocking.

📸 Sean Walsh

(I assumed that he’d deliberately shot with his left foot, but he claimed after the game to not know it was a perfect hat-trick, which, if true, kind of makes it more impressive.)

What followed a few minutes later was as odd as it was infuriating. Their number 5, who was a little shit all afternoon, flung himself to the floor holding his face when it looked to nearly everyone in the ground that Fondop had won the ball fairly. The referee awarded a free kick, seemed to have a word with Mikey, and it took a good few seconds for everyone (including Micky Mellon) to realise: “has he sent him off? Surely to fuck not? I think he has, you know….fucking hell, he has!”

📸 Phill Smith

I’m a little surprised that a couple of people subsequently said on social media that  Fondop definitely elbowed him, because at the time people genuinely didn’t know what the red card was for and we were all on our phones trying to find out. Sky Sports reported that it was for foul and abusive language, presumably because whoever was reporting on the game couldn’t see what else it had possibly been given for.

I did find that hard to believe, because, in spite of the fact that the referee was a fucking cunt, I simply could not believe that God’s number 9, a Christian soldier and a dedicated servant of our Lord and saviour, would call someone a “fucking cunt”, even if they were, objectively, being a fucking cunt. In his post-match interview, Mellon snr clearly thought the red card had been given for foul and abusive language, so it really wasn’t obvious that it was violent conduct. Even Tranmere looked a bit embarrassed. Fuck their number 5 and fuck that referee, the useless fucking gobshite.

It didn’t do Tranmere any good, anyway. It could have been 4, maybe we should have had a penalty, it didn’t matter in the end. A perfect hat-trick, a thoroughly well deserved win, and, with Fondop not allowed back on the pitch at full-time, Drummond stepped up and took on fist-pump duties, bless ‘im. What a very satisfying and festive afternoon.

📸Oldham Athletic

Back in the day, I would have been getting the train back to Liverpool with the Tranmere fans. My brother texted me after the game saying “It’d be a pleasant train journey tonight!” As our fans sang at the end, it’s a long way back to Tranmere when you’re shit.

Mellon snr’s post-match interview was as entertaining as I’d hoped. He spoke about the togetherness in the group, and, when asked “what was the key today, was it that togetherness you mentioned?”, he replied “Nah, I think it was my son scoring a hat-trick”. Hahahahaha fair play. The post-match presser was full of father and son warm fuzzies, with Micky saying “I’m really proud of him, I really am”, and young Michael saying “I’d always say, growing up, and when I first became a professional, the only opinion that mattered was my dad’s”. Ahhhhhhhh.

📸 Phill Smith

Mellon snr was considerably less warm and fuzzy towards the referee, who, you may recall, was a fucking cunt. He thought we should have had a penalty – “it was the best save of the game!” – and had no idea what Fondop was sent off for, appearing to believe it was for foul and abusive language. He admitted that he hadn’t seen the red card incident but did remark “I saw Joe Garner getting rag-dolled all day, by the way”. He also said that it looks like Stevens has a fractured collarbone, which is a sickener. (No free kick given for that, if you recall. Honestly, the referee really was a fucking cunt.)

Focus on what you can control, as the Celtic manager seems to be saying in that ridiculous Venn diagram. You can’t control the ref, or opposition players, being fucking cunts, but you can make it irrelevant by putting three goals past them.

And, four years on from the previous regime banning three supporters, we got to spend yesterday in the fans' bar watching the play-off final. We were due some luck, but my God, how lucky are we to have the Rothwells?

📸 Andy Roberts

Safe journey if you’re off to Grimsby today. What a place to spend Boxing Day. You must really hate your families. Hopefully the owl also eats the cod. All the best everyone. KTMFF.

📸 Phill Smith

Written by Arlene Finnigan