Lucy wins the tie, the diamond

Football, eh? Fucking Nora. As Alex Ferguson didn’t say. What a summer it’s turning out to be.

Bizarrely, I had a dream on Saturday night/Sunday morning that England drew 1-1 with Wales. I wasn’t at all happy about it. Thankfully, my premonition was only half right.

Wales needed to beat England by at least four goals to stand any chance of qualifying for the knockout stage, which was a pretty tall order. They won the anthems, though. Why can’t we have something proper rousing like Hen Wlad Fy Nhadau instead of a bootlicking dirge that doesn’t actually mention England?

We (rightly) named the same XI that started against the Netherlands. The game started how I hoped with a good strong challenge on Jess Fishlock, Wales’ best (and hardest and feistiest) player. 10 minutes in, we were awarded a free kick on the edge of the area for a foul on Georgia Stanway. It did look outside the area in real time, but it was inevitably reviewed by VAR for an absolute age, and eventually a penalty was awarded. Stanway took it herself, looked confident as fuck, and buried it.

📷 Getty Images

Wales fought valiantly, and Fishlock had a shot from 30 yards 20 minutes in, but as Roy would say, all the lemons came up. A hilarious fuck-up at the back gifted England their second goal, although we made hard work of it. A long ball by Hemp wasn’t dealt with, Rhiannon Roberts’ attempted clearance hit an England player, and Russo once again set up her bezzie mate Toone, who put it away at the second attempt.

📷 SheKicks

Walsh was unlucky to put her shot just wide from outside the box shortly after, and on the half-hour mark, it was 3-0. Lauren James took all the time she wanted before playing a no-look pass to her right to Toone, who’d made her run behind her. She played it into the box for Hemp to head it in off the keeper at the far post. Cool as you like, and game over with 15 minutes (well, more like 20 with all the VAR pissing about) of the first half left.

We weren’t done, and it was 4-0 before half-time. Finally, finally, thank fuck finally, Alessia Russo got on the scoresheet, and who else was going to play her in with the assist but Ella Toone?

It could have been 5 before the break. James should have scored but blasted it over the bar from the 6-yard box. Booo, get rid. (No of course not really. FFS.) Wales had a couple of chances before half time, with Rowe also shooting over the bar, and a poor clearance after some sloppy defending gifting the ball to Fishlock, whose shot was just wide.

Beth Mead and Jess Park came on for Hemp and Toone at half-time, and Park nearly made it 5-0 with a volley early on, drawing a great save at full stretch from Olivia Clark. Chloe Kelly and Aggie Beever-Jones came on for James and Russo just under an hour in, by which point we’d pretty much taken our foot off the gas, except Mead, who was clearly pissed off at not starting and wanted to kick the shit out of everyone.

She looked a lot happier 72 minutes in, when Beever-Jones took a lovely touch to control the ball and lay it off to her in the box. Mead jinked past Green and put it away to make it 5-0. That unwanted 1-1 premonition was way off.

📷 Getty Images

I got the number of Wales goals right, and fair play to them, their consolation goal was arguably the best of the game. Fishlock (of course) made a great run down the middle, Jess Carter once again got done for pace, and it was a great finish by Hannah Cain.

Niamh Charles came on for Lucy Bronze just after, and we couldn’t let Wales have the last word. Mead returned the favour to Beever-Jones, crossing the ball to her almost unmarked in the 6-yard box, and she headed it in to make it 6-1. In a half where there were three goals and shitloads of subs, there were barely 2 minutes added on. Stop it, England, they’re already dead.

An emphatic win to go into the knockout stage with. I was nervous about facing Sweden after they thumped Germany 4-1, and I was right to be. A repeat of the 4-0 defeat we dished out in the semis of the last Euros was never on the cards, but we couldn’t have anticipated just how badly England started.

A total fuck-up at the back gifted Sweden the lead 2 minutes in. The goal, infuriatingly, came from an England goal-kick. We tried to play out from the back, Carter played a horribly sloppy pass, Blackstenius pounced straight on it and played it to her captain Asllani, who took full advantage.

It was nearly 2-0 a couple of minutes later, when Hampton’s poor touch gave the ball away, and Williamson had to make a good recovery tackle to put it out for a corner. Had they been on the piss in the afternoon? Hemp was unlucky to not equalise in the 5th minute, when the keeper had to get her fingertips to her attempted chip. I’m sure it was great entertainment for the neutrals.

We continued to be all over the place at the back, and it was a fair reflection of the game when Sweden went 2-0 up in the 25th minute. I don’t like singling players out, and Jess Carter has had a great season for Chelsea, but she’s been way off it this tournament, and her marking Sweden’s star striker was always risky. Blackstenius got behind the defence, Carter got done for pace yet again, and it looked like it might be game over less than half an hour in.

📷 The Athletic/Getty Images

We were getting over-run in midfield (the referee accidentally taking Stanway out at one point didn’t help), we were an utter bomb scare at the back, and Williamson swapping places with Carter to try to protect her from Blackstenius was a nice try, but obviously she clocked it straight away and just moved to where Carter was. Half-time couldn’t come soon enough.

Which made it inexplicable that we didn’t make any subs going into the second half. We created more chances as Sweden sat back more and slowed the game down, but they were still on top.

Wiegman’s patience eventually ran out in the 70th minute, with Mead, Morgan and Agyemang coming on for Toone, Carter and Stanway. Kelly came on for Hemp in the 77th minute, and, while I was glad to see Kelly coming on, Hemp had been one of our few decent outlets going forward. What do I know, though, it had an immediate impact. Kelly crossed in from the left, Bronze buried it at the far post and kicked shit out of the advertising boards. Game on.

📷 Sky Sports

Coming from behind by scoring two goals in less than two minutes is fun, innit? Kelly again crossed the ball in for Mead, who flicked it on for Agyemang. She was a ball girl at the last Euros, and here she was, drawing England level after they’d look dead and buried, 103 seconds after Bronze’s goal. Get in.

God's number 17

Russo could have won it in stoppage time when Agyemang played her in after hitting Sweden on the break, but her shot was deflected behind. Extra time again? Oh, it’s exhausting, isn’t it.

And it really was. After England’s weaknesses at the back had been so brutally exposed in the first half, the last thing we needed was Leah Williamson landing awkwardly on her ankle. Pray for her. She came off for Charles, Clinton came on for Walsh, players were dropping like flies, everyone looked dead on their feet, penalties were inevitable.

And ooh la la, what an exhibition of spectacularly awful penalties it was. Thank fuck for Alessia Russo. Thank fuck for Chloe Kelly, who was never going to miss. Thank fuck for Sweden’s gamble of letting their goalie take the fifth penalty, which backfired when she blasted it into row Z. Thank FUCK for Lucy Bronze, who didn’t piss about placing her shot and just belted it straight down the middle. And thank fuck for Hannah Hampton, who, having made some crucial saves to keep England in the game, made another couple of saves in the shootout, and – let’s give her the credit for it – made herself big and intimidated the unfortunate Holmberg into putting her shot over the bar.

📷 AP

There was talk before the game of putting in a Proper English performance, and this was a Proper English performance. Lauren James still sporting the black eye she picked up a week earlier v the Netherlands. Lucy Bronze taping up her own thigh while the physios tended to her fellow wounded warriors. Hannah Hampton facing a penalty shoot with a tampon up her nose, having taken a whack in the face that left her shirt and gloves covered with blood. The resilience. The tenacity. The never-say-die mentality.

We face Italy in the semi-final on Tuesday. Touch wood, fingers crossed, I think we should have enough to beat them. It was a bruising 2 hours on Thursday night, though. Let’s hope they’re in turbo-recovery mode and being injected with horse placenta or whatever the doctors do nowadays. And may God have mercy on Leah Williamson’s ankle.

It’s been a quiet week on the transfer front, unsurprisingly, given everyone’s in Scotland. Matt Worthington’s gone to Torquay, and hopefully they have more luck than we did figuring out what his natural position is. Alex Reid’s signed for Hartlepool. Is that near enough to York for him to shack up with Mark Kitching?

Yesterday, James Norwood’s expected move to Fleetwood was confirmed. We signed him to get us out of non-league, and he eventually did, but you can understand the club thinking that his wages could be better spent now that we’re subject to the Football League’s financial fair play rules. Thanks for one of the most important and glorious goals in our history, James. Wembley will always be your house, and there’s a corner of Elk Mill Nando’s that is forever Nors.

📷 Phill Smith

I can’t believe that the big talking point of our (incredibly brief) pre-season has been the new home shirt, and I can’t believe that the club caved into mob rule and got rid of Bunkabin Man. “We have listened to the input from supporters and adjustments will be made”? Don’t listen to us, we’re fucking idiots. What if you’d listened to dickheads like me in April who said Micky Mellon wasn’t going to get us promoted? Barry Owen had the right idea, dismiss us and call us plebs. You’d better all buy the new shirt now, you ungrateful pricks.

Oh, and give us some money to print our fanzine, you bastards. It’ll be full of Bunkabin Man content.

Safe journey if you’re one of the mad fuckers travelling north of the border for a pre-season friendly. We’re off to Leeds to go to the football fanzine exhibition, appropriately enough. See you all back here next week, when we’ll hopefully be talking about our new marquee striker signing and the Lionesses making a third successive final. In Sarina and Micky we trust. KTMFF.

📷 Sky Sports

Written by Arlene Finnigan