Let’s Crawley Crawley Crawley back to love again yeah?

Arlene refuses to go to Milton Keynes, as do I henceforth after last Saturday’s absolute horror show. It’s not the football or the fact that we lost…again. It’s not the town, which is one of the more interesting socio-geographical experiments of the postwar period. The problem is the utter soullessness of a massive football ground – a cathedral! – with no one in it. Gimme Braintree or Aldershot or any of the other National League grounds with trees in them. Anywhere but Stadium Dong or Barnet. Even Barnet want to leave their ground which, incidentally, isn’t even in fucking Barnet.

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I digress. Arlene didn’t make it to the Walsall game either, so she outsourced the blog to yours truly for one week only, you lucky people. I can’t swear in the bits and bobs I write for the Oldham Reporter, which means at least 25% of my vocabulary is unavailable to me.

Swearing makes up a higher percentage of your vocabulary as you get older. When you hit middle age, your internal dialogue is almost all cussing. “What the fuck did I come upstairs for? I came to see if the fucking thingymagig was on the shitting whatsitsname.”

Arlene asked me not to tell readers of the blog that she was watching Real Madrid v Man Citeh on Wednesday. So here I am not telling you that Arlene was watching Real Madrid v Man City on Wednesday rather than walk 500 yards from her couch to the Jimmy Frizzell. I am not telling you what you think I am not telling you.

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I’m very much a more-the-merrier person when it comes to things written about things, including Oldham Athletic, so here’s a few links to some new-ish things you might have missed, and one of the two Latics institutions. (The two institutions are this blog – but only when Arlene writes it – and the Oldham Times.)

Andrea’s Heslop’s Behind The Goal Line blog is a terrific, all-you-need-to-know take on Latics matches. It’s much more level-headed than my on-the-whistle L-plate match reports in the Oldham Reporter.

The Her Game Too ambassadors at Latics have long been a favourite fan group of mine, and are now producing a blog for home games where they ask visitors to Boundary Park to give us their thoughts on the upcoming game and football generally. Well worth a read.

Of course, you can occasionally get hold of a copy of the Beyond the Boundary (Park Alert System) Fanzine, issue four or five of which will be out any month now. They cancelled the Christmas edition because drunk. I like it as an unpredictable and unreliable event to be honest.

My spies tell me that the off-cuts in the Fanzine WhatsApp group – the things they can’t print for legal, moral and spiritual reasons – are much funnier than the legally sound and morally pure material that makes it into print.

Last but certainly not least, you’re not an Oldham fan if the Latics landing page of the Oldham Times isn’t at the top of your internet favourites. Suzanne has expanded her excellent coverage this season and has raised a very high bar for would-be writers of all things Latics, and of all things local sports.

If I’ve missed anything, give us a shout on Twitter and I’ll give it a go.

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The Lowerhouse Booze Bus lads have sent me a very poor version of the Twelve Days of Christmas, which I am told they will be “learning” on the way to their ringfenced area of Crawley today. Don’t forget the harmonies lads.

The Twelve Days of Christmas

On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me

a Latics win at Wembley

On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me…

two Micky Mellons and a Latics win at Wembley

On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me…

three crying Ugglas, two Micky Mellons and a Latics win at Wembley

On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me…

forty ringfenced tickets, three crying Ugglas, two Micky Mellons and a Latics win at Wembley

On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me

FIVE AT THE BACK

forty ringfenced tickets, three crying Ugglas, two Micky Mellons and a Latics win at Wembley

On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me

six pies for Barry, FIVE AT THE BACK, forty ringfenced tickets, three Ugglas crying, two Micky Mellons and a Latics win at Wembley

On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me

seven Drummond misses, six pies for Barry, FIVE AT THE BACK, forty ringfenced tickets, three Ugglas crying, two Micky Mellons and a Latics win at Wembley

On the eighth day of Christmas my true love gave to me

eight pints of lager, seven Drummond misses, six pies for Barry, FIVE AT THE BACK, forty ringfenced tickets, three Ugglas crying, two Micky Mellons and a Latics win at Wembley

On the ninth day of Christmas my true love gave to me

fucking Dale losing, eight pints of lager, seven Drummond misses, six pies for Barry, FIVE AT THE BACK, forty ringfenced tickets, three Ugglas crying, two Micky Mellons and a Latics win at Wembley

On the tenth day of Christmas my true love gave to me

one Norwood screamer, fucking Dale losing, eight pints of lager, seven Drummond misses, six pies for Barry, FIVE AT THE BACK, forty ringfenced tickets, three Ugglas crying, two Micky Mellons and a Latics win at Wembley

On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me

eleven ex-Tranmere signings, one Norwood screamer, fucking Dale losing, eight pints of lager, seven Drummond misses, six pies for Barry, FIVE AT THE BACK, forty ringfenced tickets, three Ugglas crying, two Micky Mellons and a Latics win at Wembley

On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave to me

TWELVE squad midfielders, eleven ex-Tranmere signings, one Norwood screamer, fucking Dale losing, eight pints of lager, seven Drummond misses, six pies for Barry, FIVE AT THE BACK, forty ringfenced tickets, three Ugglas crying, two Micky Mellons and a Latics win at Wembley