I'm a ribbon in the heat now, Newport

Sigh. Last weekend certainly wasn’t dull, was it?

Well done to everyone who went to Newport in hard hats (or branded yellow caps paid for by the club if you’re one of the Ringfence Blues on the booze bus). Much to my annoyance, Andy settled a week-long argument on the train down that proved that he suggested going to the last away day of the season as Bunkabin Man on Twitter two days before I did.

I couldn’t fault the Welsh hospitality. I asked for a large rosé in the Pen and Wig, and they gave me half a pint. Croeso y Cymru.

The Newport fans were some of the friendliest I’ve ever met. We chatted to a few of them in the pub (mostly to explain why we were wearing hard hats), and two of them walked us to the ground when we asked for directions. I almost felt bad for us doing them dirty by losing at Barrow, then remembered that we kind of did ourselves dirty and I very much didn’t enjoy it either.

I’m still traumatised by Accrington away, and got tickets for the covered seating in case the weather was bad. It turned out that it wasn’t rain that we needed to shelter from. I really hope the young lad who was sat next to us, who I tried and failed to persuade to put some sunscreen on as he was visibly burning, is OK.

Garner was back in the starting line-up, with Mellon thankfully having realised that Fondop on his own up front hasn’t been working, and it was great to see Reagan Ogle back in the squad. It was never going to be an easy game, with what was at stake for Newport, and they gave us an early warning shot when Evans put his shot over the bar from close range two minutes in.

Sutton will be having nightmares about the opening goal. He tracked Kamwa’s run down the left but didn’t close him down well enough to stop him getting his shot away, and, credit where it’s due, it was a great curling finish into the top corner.

That gave us a kick up the arse. Fondop had a couple of chances to equalise, with one shot that looked like it was going wide anyway being well saved by their keeper, and Pett playing him in with a lovely through-ball, but his attempted chip over the keeper went over the bar.

The equaliser came from a pleasingly unlikely source. Hawkes’ shot was put out for a corner, and from Woods’ delivery, Sutton made amends for the opening goal with a great header at the near post to draw us level. You couldn’t not be delighted for him.

Sutton nearly got a second goal shortly after, when Fondop squared it to him in the box; it was a decent shot, but it was put out by the keeper for a corner. If the scorer of the equaliser was a surprise, no-one could have predicted who’d put us into the lead. In a move that initially looked crap, but which was clearly straight from the training ground, Woods played the ball in from a corner low across the pitch, it bobbled around the 6-yard box after Hawkes’ shot was blocked, and Simeu, of all people, put it into the top right corner of the goal.

Two of your defenders scoring generally indicates that you’re well on top, but unfortunately a referee who we’ve got previous with decided that he should deliver the turning point in the game. Fondop’s aerial challenge looked a bit clumsy, probably a foul, maybe a yellow card. Having sent off Woods for pretty much fuck all at Harrogate, and accusing Hammond of playacting when he suffered a dislocated shoulder in the same game, David Rock didn’t initially look like he was even thinking about giving a card, until the Newport players and fans screamed for one and the assistant referee came over and said “go on, Dave, treat yourself, you know you want to”.

Honestly, the constant, incessant fouling that Fondop gets every fucking game, with nothing given, and some referees absolutely cannot wait to show him a card. It was probably a yellow, it was never a red, and the FA agreed and rescinded it on Wednesday. But, in the heat of battle, we were left to play more than half the game with 10 men on the hottest day of the year so far.

Some of the songs in the bar at half-time were a little odd, given that the game was being played in Wales and not Ireland. I quite like the Pope, as it happens.

If the scale of the task ahead wasn’t clear enough after Fondop’s sending off, it certainly was two minutes into the second half. Our players almost seemed to just stand still and watch the opposition take shots at our goal until Lloyd put it away to make it 2-2.

Five minutes in, things went from bad to much, much worse, and the game and result was put into sharp perspective. There was a mix-up and a horrible collision between Simeu and Hudson, who initially got up, but then went down holding his neck. It took a quarter of an hour to put him in a neck brace and stretcher him off the pitch, receiving a standing ovation from all four stands. Thankfully he was later given the all clear and discharged from hospital, but it was awful to see.

Tom Donaghy came on to make his Football League debut, and we also made a couple of outfield subs, with a welcome return for Reagan Ogle (coming on for Sutton) and Leake coming on for Taylor. God knows who was playing where and what the formation was at this point.

We’d have happily taken a draw by now, and Donaghy made several good saves. Newport had the ball in the back of the net in the last minute of normal time (obviously there was going to be loads of stoppage time), but Crole was offside.

Given the refereeing performance, it came as no surprise whatsoever when Newport were awarded a penalty 13 minutes into stoppage time. I couldn’t see it too well at the time; maybe Ogle was a bit late. Donaghy took the opportunity to be the hero, though, diving the right way and saving Kamwa’s effort.

That should have been the fairytale ending, for Donaghy at least (if a 2-2 draw at Newport can be described as a fairytale), but it wasn’t to be. Kamwa had been a pain in our arse all day, and his hundred-and-fucking-eighth minute goal ensured we went home empty-handed. Sigh. Bit of a day for ridiculous late winners, wasn’t it.

Kamwa was then booked for ‘excessive celebration’. Excessively celebrating scoring 18 minutes into stoppage time to win the game and potentially keep your club in the Football League. What a fucking stupid rule.

To compound my misery, there was sad football news from my hometown. In what might have Peter Clarke’s final senior game, Prescot Cables beat Bamber Bridge 2-0 (in front of an impressive crowd of 1155), but Whitby Town’s 0-0 draw at home to Cleethorpes confirmed Cables’ relegation from the Northern Premier League. Gutted.

Mellon started the post-match interview, quite correctly, by blowing smoke up our arses: “First and foremost I want to thank the supporters for their away support which has been fantastic, it’s been terrific”. He thought, like most of us, “at best, that Michael Fondop was clumsy”, but also thought anything could happen with the referee after what happened at Harrogate. He’s already building for next season and assured us that “Oldham will undoubtedly be a good proposition for a lot of players”. Onwards and upwards.

Donaghy paid tribute to Hudson, and reassured us that he was up and talking. He was keen to “give all glory to God”. We really do have quite the pious squad, don’t we? Good luck to them, whatever works for you, lads. For a Catholic atheist, I sure have prayed in a lot of sports stadia. Last June wasn’t even the first time I’ve said a prayer in the Wembley toilets.

It was a sickener of a result, but it was a cracking day out. And we’ve had quite a few of them this season. It’s been quite the ride. I genuinely wish Newport all the best today. And I hope that the hard hats that we left in the Pen and Wig went to a good home.

Final weekend of the season for us, then. If you want to maximise your time at Boundary Park before the summer, the women play AFC Oldham at 1:30pm on Sunday. Gate 20 in the Main Stand is open for supporters. Come down, bring cans.

You’ll probably be aware that we lost a member of the Latics family recently. Adam McDermott was only 28, and the minute’s applause for him during the Salford game was a lovely gesture. His funeral is on Friday May 8th, and OASF have organised a fundraiser to help his family with the costs. You can donate here. RIP, Adam.

If you’re going to the game today, get there in good time for kick-off, as there’ll be a minute’s silence (NOT applause) in memory of all those connected with the club who have passed away in the last year.

Nothing to play for today except pride, shits and giggles. Enjoy it, we’ve had a lot of good times in our first season back in the Football League. Play the kids if we’re short on players. Throw Monthé up front. Give the ball boys and girls free rein to take the piss. Let Chaddy fight the ref. Treat yourselves. KTMFF.

Written by Arlene Finnigan. Photos © Thomas Lee Stacey (except the one that very obviously isn't because why would Thomas Lee Stacey be taking a photo of my wine).